Finding my Smile

I hadn’t realized I had been in search of my smile. Not the smile I show to the world, my smile. The one that tells me I’m happy and joyful. Finding my smile again has been a long and gradual process. Without thinking, I find myself observing small things that are right in front of me; the vivid orange-colored tulips I bought to brighten my space, the howling of the wind in the trees, the flickering shadows of the trees that sway and dance around the walls of my bedroom at night, comforting and inviting me to see the magic I had thus far too grief-stricken to see. I was doing laundry and humming and although I was rusty, melody and music moved through my soul imploring me to put on music and dance. So I did. Happiness snuck through the window while I was waving goodbye to grief as it left through the back door.

Now I am sitting at my desk, and I am reminded that grief is a season, a long, painful, terrifying, dark, and foreboding season. Beauty, art, music, laughter, pleasure, and joy fade into the inky darkness of silence. Thank God, in time the sadness, horror and sorrow cease its daily onslaught on my broken spirit and the steady beat of my heart is the metronome steadily guiding me through the desolate, murky, and perilous forest. Loss has changed me, scarred, rebuilt, and transformed me. I no longer resent or resist the unrelenting pain that dogged me like a second skin. I finally turned around and faced it and although I haven’t entirely learned all the lessons yet, I find beauty in the depth and breadth of redemption, grace and in the inevitable rebirth of new seasons and new beginnings. I can look back now and see that I have traveled a long way through dusty, uneven, unforseen terrain that buckled my knees, broke my heart, and seared my soul, but I still made it back to the light and home to the people I love most in the world.

 

2 Replies to “Finding my Smile”

  1. Dearest Nikki, So happy you are finding your way out of dark sadness and grief, and into the light, joy, and pleasure of your own true heart, soul, and smile. Sing, dance, and play again! Looking forward to sharing some of those pleasures with you again soon. Love, always, Mom

    Like

Leave a Reply to artistspromenade Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

EverydayVibes

Fine art, abstract art, contemporary art.

Mitch Teemley

The Power of Story

Nisi Poesy

Poetry | Art | Adventure | Blog

Pamela's Write Life

I wonder as I wander...

Janaline's world journey

My sometimes Strange, but usually Wonderful Experiences and Adventures as I Travel through this amazing World we live in.

EverydayVibes

Fine art, abstract art, contemporary art.

Mitch Teemley

The Power of Story

Nisi Poesy

Poetry | Art | Adventure | Blog

Pamela's Write Life

I wonder as I wander...

Janaline's world journey

My sometimes Strange, but usually Wonderful Experiences and Adventures as I Travel through this amazing World we live in.

auf dem Weg

Learning through travel in Austria

Damyanti Biswas

For lovers of reading, crime writing, crime fiction

Elan Mudrow

Smidgens

Living in Wonder

Nurturing the Curious & Creative Mind

the ritz martha's vineyard

The Journal for the best little live dive on the rock

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

the poet's billow

a resource for moving poetry

This Way Up

Seven Tools for Unleashing Your Creative Self and Transforming Your Life

alessandropanzeriphotos

Macrophotographer

sheila sea

like thalassic velvet

%d bloggers like this: