Distancing…

   Cocooned in my house with my family, I alternate between calm, despair, and panic..and back around again. I struggle to resist the siren call of vitriol and resentment as the nation lurches through these uncharted and unprotected waters. I find myself praying silently multiple times a day and simultaneously counting my blessings. Keeping the darkness at bay and remaining steady during this turbulent time, is a full time job. Inside there is an unrelenting drumbeat of uncertainty, suspense, desperation and without constant vigilance the apathy and fear will surely drown us all.

  All around the talons of worry, resentment, and sorrow lick at my heels but there is a moat around that fear and that is faith, resilience, and grace. I don’t know what lessons are to be learned from this abrupt halting of our lives? I don’t know the path forward out of this surreal and historical pandemic? I know the earth is tired and perhaps even the people, plants, and animals are tired too.

  My family and I previously moved at a breakneck speed, my sons strewn here and there with sports, social media, activities, friends, school….living. Maybe we weren’t really appreciating the moments as we ping-ponged to the next new thing. Constantly leaning forward already looking away from the present into the future of what’s next? As the people have stuttered to a halt, the earth and all its inhabitants are benefiting from peace. I suppose we are to take this time to catch our breath and see what we have collectively built and is it sustainable? To appreciate all that surrounds us, instills, inspires, and relies on us. To bow our heads in gratitude, hope, and faith.

  Without warning, we are brought up short, life planning is put on hold. Senior year in jeopardy, no sports, proms, activities, no friends to hang out with. Work life on hold as my husband at work,  is still considered essential, we move hesitantly forward. How to get through this minute, hour, day, and now…gulp, month, without turning into a snarling, sniveling, depressed mess? I did the usual and pulled out the speeches about “digging down deep, remaining positive, keeping a routine, and using this time productively.” My son’s listened but were entirely skeptical as only teenagers can be. But as time progressed I realized this was different, collectively and globally we are all holding our breath. This is unprecedented.

  I have been forced to exhale and relinquish the foolhardy notion that this is within my control. I can’t ease the uncertainty of the future. I can’t think my way around this painful reality. I have to accept it and adjust and frankly, that requires less pontificating and more purposeful actions. I have to be here in this moment sharing all of the feelings of loss, and grief for people I have lost, hopelessness and fear and see it all through a brighter, larger lens. I have to fan the flames of hope. I have to live the example of resilience, strength, and triumph.

  I have thankfully, stopped long meandering monologues of hope and perseverance and simply began to appreciate what is here, right now, within my reach. Blessedly and gratefully there is my family, our delightful dog, our home, our yard, our DIY renovations, and our gardens. Turns out almost everything we really need, everything that we really love, is right here in our own backyard. While we are separated from loved ones, beloved friends, our social and work lives…we are nevertheless, home.

Home where hopefully peace, gratitude, laughter, prayers, and blessings abound. I will forever remember that this pandemic didn’t break us instead with God’s grace, we are stronger. We have accepted and aligned ourselves with the necessity of pausing but will continue to look forward while staying vigilant to the preciousness of the minute, hour or day.

I pray everyone is doing well and staying safe and strong.

On The Rocks..

 


      I think I live my life with a certain amount of optimism and gratitude..most of the time. I have learned to accept the cyclical nature of my journey but even then it’s shocking when obstacles appear and suddenly the placid rhythm of life has been disrupted. I am in uncharted waters.
      Sure, I get it, challenging times are to be expected but they certainly don’t have have to be welcome with open arms. I know that there is a lesson to be learned from each jagged and rough hewed rock obstructing my path back to the tranquility of the shore. I know I need to embrace the good and the bad.
      I’ve read and absorbed the extensive wisdom of the the Truth-Tellers. I know I’m to embrace the rocks, and acknowledge the challenges in my path. I need to get to truly know each crevice and barnacle so I can feel the sadness, frustration, and disappointment.

      Then I can begin to climb over, under, above, through, and around these impediments and with bloodied and scrapped hands, I will crawl back to the sea where my equilibrium and hope reside. That is where my spirit feels at home. It is how I heal.

      I know all of that but for now I’ll gather my senses, my strength, and my determination and just breathe. While simultaneously preparing for battle and praying for my soulful return to hope, faith, grace and peace.

        Knowing this too shall pass.

Distancing…

   Cocooned in my house with my family, I alternate between calm, despair, and panic..and back around again. I struggle to resist the siren call of vitriol and resentment as the nation lurches through these… More

On The Rocks..

        I think I live my life with a certain amount of optimism and gratitude..most of the time. I have learned to accept the cyclical nature of my journey but even then… More

Merry Holidays!!

 What a crazy ride this holiday season has been. As my sons get older, the day becomes less about stuff and more about us and the time we share. That being said, try wrangling teenage… More

Merry Holidays!!

 What a crazy ride this holiday season has been. As my sons get older, the day becomes less about stuff and more about us and the time we share. That being said, try wrangling teenage boys to share in the “true meaning” of the holiday and you will receive multiple eye rolls and sighs that defy human capabilities. Still, it is my job to foist love, devotion, and the full meaning of Christmas upon them while I still can.

This year is about transitions. As my eldest prepares for college next year and my youngest will attend HS, this time without the omnipresent guidance, (read less than constructive criticism) of his older brother, I’m aware of change in the air. I’ve spent this fall striving to be comfortable with my son preparing to leave our chaotic but loving home and venturing out into the big wide world. He continuously assures my husband and me that “he’s got this.” There are momentary lapses of panic followed by meditative gasping of air and the constant mantra, “this is what we’ve prepared him for..life.”

My youngest is thrilled, I’m not kidding, delighted. He has plans to move into his brother’s room, stay tuned, and to be the “only child” while his brother is away at college.   He is looking forward to playing football without the comparison to his older brother’s skills and talents which have loomed over every game and school event. He is getting ready to step into his own skin devoid of brotherly advice and reproach. Transitions.

As usual, I’m struggling to keep up with the quickening pace. I am grabbing hold of every moment, savoring each bite like a fine meal, hoping it won’t end before I’m ready. The sad fact is, it will so I’m preparing. I’ve loved being a mother and while it’s not my entire identity, it’s truly my proudest one. I’ve prayed to find the kind of love I have for my sons and I’m blessed that they have been the souls I’ve dreamed of for so long. I’ve loved, honored, adored, disciplined, and devoted a huge portion of my heart and soul to these two magnificent spirits and it has not been in vain. They are intelligent, kind, handsome, thoughtful, reflective, determined and loving young men and I’m proud of who they are becoming even if they must fly the nest to find out who they will be. I’d post pictures but I did mention they’re teenagers now and I don’t have their written consent.

I’m aware that these transitions will change me as well. I’ve got to change and grow again too. While they are embarking on new adventures, I’ve got to begin to do the same. In a way, we’re sharing the same excitement, fear, and exhilaration of new chapters and stretching our wings. We are boldly and unabashedly thrilled to see what’s next for each of us in the new year. I’m going to focus on what’s ahead and allow minimal moments of sad reflection of what has come and gone, that’s what photos and memories are for. I will embrace the adventure and love what comes next, seriously that’s the plan. Stay tuned and a Merry Holiday season to all.

9D447E81-0866-4998-A3B7-0662B71C7DFAO Christmas Tree!! Happy Holidays to Everyone!

 

Green Thumb…

I’m not a huge gardener and usually struggle to keep my house plants alive but this year, I decided to try gardening one more time. Since I planted strawberries in my garden a few years ago, the bunnies and chipmunks have beaten me to their luscious deliciousness. So I opted for less challenging plants and flowers that need little coaxing from me, than fruits and vegetables for my front garden. It went better but it’s no English estate garden.

This year I invested in deck rail planters and have grown successfully; peppermint, spearmint, jalapeños, lettuce, baby tomatoes, basil, rosemary, and oregano. I’m total amazed and pamper them relentlessly, ask my sons, who have been required to water and tend to them when I am away. The biggest surprise is that we actually eat everything we’ve planted and to have teenage boys eat anything green is nothing short of a miracle. I’m grateful everyday that we get to harvest and share our own bounty. At least they put down their phones, don’t get me started, and we chill out on the deck and talk and eat. That’s worth the price of soil.

It turns out that rebirth and regeneration of my garden has helped move me towards a place of gratitude and peace. This summer has been one of the most joyous summers of my life. To be surrounded by nature, my plants, my puppy, my friends, and my beloved family…well there’s just nothing better than that. Getting to spend quality time with the people I cherish most, that’s the best gift of all. Peace!