Evolution…

I began writing this open letter, thinking of one friend. I soon realized that I had been less than a stellar friend to more than just one person, hence this open letter to all. 

Any Open Letter of Apology:

Recently I was thinking about a friend I had growing up. I realized that although I had wonderful memories of this person, I also had a gnawing sense of sadness and regret about how our friendship ended. Our friendship ended because I behaved despicably, disrespectfully and with grave and all-knowing judgment. I felt I should apologize to my friend right away. However, it dawned on me that I owed more than one person a sincere and heartfelt apology for my sometimes outrageous and outlandish behavior years ago.


This is an open letter of apology to that friend and to any and all of my friends that I treated horribly and with disdain. If I betrayed your confidence, gossiped about you, lied about you, was hypocritical or mean-spirited and critical of you, or didn’t defend you when someone else said or did those same things, I am truly and humbly sorry.


If I treated you as if I was better than you, smarter than you, or made you feel small in any way, I am sorry. If I ignored you or tried to manipulate our friendship or another person’s friendship, I am very sorry. If I hurt you, made you sad, mad, scared, betrayed, and dissed and pissed you off to no end, I am truly very sorry.


I don’t say the word “if” to imply that I didn’t do these things and more, only to cover the broad spectrum of people who I may have affected and/or hurt, and those I knowingly impacted with my callous and disrespectful behavior. I have learned from each one of my friends and to those who have chosen to no longer have me as their friend, I respect that too. I am sorry if I treated you as if you were not special or amazing or a child of God who deserved my respect, empathy, sympathy, faithfulness, devotion, trust, kindness, and love.


With Grace, I have learned to become the person I had tried in vain to be back then. I have learned that my disdain, disgrace, and dislike of myself was the catalyst for my inexcusable behavior towards others. I finally learned to treat myself with more compassion, integrity, love and respect. In return, I have learned to treat everyone the same way. For just like me, everyone is trying to figure out how best to navigate their own lives. Your personal journey and choices like mine, belong exclusively to you.


To the people who stood by me as my soul and spirit has been forged and transformed, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that I haven’t always made it easy but I love each of you for the gifts and lessons you have bestowed upon me. I am forever in your debt.


Sincerely.

May Flowers…

“Earth Laughs in Flowers..” Unknown

 

Rainbow Tulips...
Rainbow Tulips…
Sunlit Rose...
Sunlit Rose…

colors return…

“When you affirm your own rightness in the universe, then you co-operate with other easily and automatically as part of your own nature.

You, being yourself, helps other be themselves. Because you recognize your own uniqueness you will not need to dominate others

nor cringe before them.”   Jane Roberts

Sunset
Sunset

 

Technological Abyss…

My computer crashed, burned, bit the dust, and up and died on me, unexpectedly one day last week. There were no warnings that I could detect, it simply muttered a grandiose sigh and all the lights blinked simultaneously,  and the computer went dark, forever.

I’m going to be okay, but this was a real blow to my creative flow. My routine was shattered and I was aimless and unfocused the entire week.

This should not, I repeat, should not alter my world, causing it to come to an artistic halt, and I hate to admit this, but it did. I felt adrift without my routine of work and creativity and my office space looked barren and gray. My desire to work ebbed silently away.

The space where my computer sat was empty and my thoughts were scattered, then panicked and finally resigned. It would take an expert to put this to rights and I am clearly no expert. After trouble shooting my computer and praying to the computer magicians to magically make my computer turn back on, load up, no questions asked, it remained, irretrievably,  silent. The computer expert duplicated my efforts to reboot the computer and came to the same conclusion… it was dead, to return no more. The information could be restored but the computer itself was gone. 

Let me assure you, (lest you were fearful), that I do back up my documents and photos, so I know they weren’t lost, lost..still I felt paralyzed, unable to grasp the fact that my hard-earned, working with ease, creative environment, had been irrevocably altered. I had been in a groove, sitting down to work and create without thinking about the software, the hard drive, the downloads, the wi-fi, my passwords…when suddenly.. I was forced to stop and reevaluate how I work and how I manage my time. Adjustments were going to have to be made.

I am handling things pretty well, emotionally, as you can imagine, I have been shaken, but I will recover as soon as I figure out how to make my new computer work. This of course proves the old adage;  progress is always, two steps forward and three steps back. 

The silver lining is that I was able to get a new computer that suits my needs just fine. I resisted the urge and the peer pressure to upgrade to something that costs as much as my rent in college. I researched what I needed and walked in and out of the store in 15 minutes with the right computer for me.

I am gratified that things have turned out well and that I am able to get back to work. In the grand scheme of things, this is a small setback and I recognize that fact. I also know that things happen for a reason and for me being off the grid for a week or so reminded  me that I love what I do even more so when I was faced with all of it disappearing into a technological abyss. 

cultivating creativity…

As I sit here writing there is a running to do list insidiously slithering through my mind, indeed it seems to hum constantly. I try to make a conscious decision to block out all other distractions while I focus on the three plates I am juggling always, even more if my boys are home. I’m sure I am not alone in this predicament, everyone I know seems to be moving faster than they wish to be.

I started thinking about why I started writing and sharing my photographs in the first place and though I love the process it’s the time-consuming organizing and categorizing of the photos and the writing that takes time and can sometimes tax my creativity for doing the things I love; writing and taking photographs. Sometimes that can be overwhelming and throws my artistic sensibilities into a tailspin.

I don’t know how this works for other people who are trying to live their lives pursuing their passions, but for me, I feel a need to recharge and get back to noticing the small things I have overlooked in my haste to “get the work done.” It’s not like having writer’s block but I suspect that it can lead to blocking the creativity necessary for me to see the beauty around me and be inspired to take a photograph to share later. Only sometimes that ugly thought comes creeping back in, reminding me that I will have to organize and process all those photos too, it can be daunting.

I guess it’s a reminder to me that just because I am getting to do what I love in life, I’m not always going to love the demanding work that clutters up my brain and blocks my creativity. For the most part, it’s an even exchange but there are times when I look at my computer and think of tossing it across the room. Then my senses return and I am back at my computer, organizing, cataloguing, and processing all of my photos and writing and I think of how blessed I am.

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