Distancing…

   Cocooned in my house with my family, I alternate between calm, despair, and panic..and back around again. I struggle to resist the siren call of vitriol and resentment as the nation lurches through these uncharted and unprotected waters. I find myself praying silently multiple times a day and simultaneously counting my blessings. Keeping the darkness at bay and remaining steady during this turbulent time, is a full time job. Inside there is an unrelenting drumbeat of uncertainty, suspense, desperation and without constant vigilance the apathy and fear will surely drown us all.

  All around the talons of worry, resentment, and sorrow lick at my heels but there is a moat around that fear and that is faith, resilience, and grace. I don’t know what lessons are to be learned from this abrupt halting of our lives? I don’t know the path forward out of this surreal and historical pandemic? I know the earth is tired and perhaps even the people, plants, and animals are tired too.

  My family and I previously moved at a breakneck speed, my sons strewn here and there with sports, social media, activities, friends, school….living. Maybe we weren’t really appreciating the moments as we ping-ponged to the next new thing. Constantly leaning forward already looking away from the present into the future of what’s next? As the people have stuttered to a halt, the earth and all its inhabitants are benefiting from peace. I suppose we are to take this time to catch our breath and see what we have collectively built and is it sustainable? To appreciate all that surrounds us, instills, inspires, and relies on us. To bow our heads in gratitude, hope, and faith.

  Without warning, we are brought up short, life planning is put on hold. Senior year in jeopardy, no sports, proms, activities, no friends to hang out with. Work life on hold as my husband at work,  is still considered essential, we move hesitantly forward. How to get through this minute, hour, day, and now…gulp, month, without turning into a snarling, sniveling, depressed mess? I did the usual and pulled out the speeches about “digging down deep, remaining positive, keeping a routine, and using this time productively.” My son’s listened but were entirely skeptical as only teenagers can be. But as time progressed I realized this was different, collectively and globally we are all holding our breath. This is unprecedented.

  I have been forced to exhale and relinquish the foolhardy notion that this is within my control. I can’t ease the uncertainty of the future. I can’t think my way around this painful reality. I have to accept it and adjust and frankly, that requires less pontificating and more purposeful actions. I have to be here in this moment sharing all of the feelings of loss, and grief for people I have lost, hopelessness and fear and see it all through a brighter, larger lens. I have to fan the flames of hope. I have to live the example of resilience, strength, and triumph.

  I have thankfully, stopped long meandering monologues of hope and perseverance and simply began to appreciate what is here, right now, within my reach. Blessedly and gratefully there is my family, our delightful dog, our home, our yard, our DIY renovations, and our gardens. Turns out almost everything we really need, everything that we really love, is right here in our own backyard. While we are separated from loved ones, beloved friends, our social and work lives…we are nevertheless, home.

Home where hopefully peace, gratitude, laughter, prayers, and blessings abound. I will forever remember that this pandemic didn’t break us instead with God’s grace, we are stronger. We have accepted and aligned ourselves with the necessity of pausing but will continue to look forward while staying vigilant to the preciousness of the minute, hour or day.

I pray everyone is doing well and staying safe and strong.

On The Rocks..

 


      I think I live my life with a certain amount of optimism and gratitude..most of the time. I have learned to accept the cyclical nature of my journey but even then it’s shocking when obstacles appear and suddenly the placid rhythm of life has been disrupted. I am in uncharted waters.
      Sure, I get it, challenging times are to be expected but they certainly don’t have have to be welcome with open arms. I know that there is a lesson to be learned from each jagged and rough hewed rock obstructing my path back to the tranquility of the shore. I know I need to embrace the good and the bad.
      I’ve read and absorbed the extensive wisdom of the the Truth-Tellers. I know I’m to embrace the rocks, and acknowledge the challenges in my path. I need to get to truly know each crevice and barnacle so I can feel the sadness, frustration, and disappointment.

      Then I can begin to climb over, under, above, through, and around these impediments and with bloodied and scrapped hands, I will crawl back to the sea where my equilibrium and hope reside. That is where my spirit feels at home. It is how I heal.

      I know all of that but for now I’ll gather my senses, my strength, and my determination and just breathe. While simultaneously preparing for battle and praying for my soulful return to hope, faith, grace and peace.

        Knowing this too shall pass.

RESILIENCE…………. Every time I thought about writing about this pandemic, my thoughts froze. Trying to sum up the magnitude of the damage, terror, and fear that we have all suffered in the name of Covid, it felt like the task was immeasurable. I struggled to capture the sheer scope of devastation when I realized, everyone already knows what the cost of this pandemic has been on all of us. Tragically, some suffered in horrific and deadly ways and all any of us could do was pray. While I shared the horror and the instability and the isolation, I also found some small measure of peace. I could only control the tiny sphere that became my world and even that was an illusion. Still it was one I needed. An illusion I clung to for all it’s worth. I wanted to remain steady and hopeful for my family in the face of the ravages of Covid. I found solace in the small things while the world’s storms wreaked havoc and sorrow. I was grateful for my family and their safety. I was relieved that my sons were home with me and their dad and not out in the world alone where my worry and fear might have consumed me altogether. Our home became our sanctuary and our escape. I felt safe and comforted here where I can be with my family and close friends and retreat from the never ending updates about the virus and it’s terrifying mutations. I find myself looking for the little moments, the quiet moments of awe and gratitude to remind me that all that I really need is right in front of me. I am looking ahead with a mixture of hope, faith, and trepidation. In the meantime, I will hold the beautiful and poignant moments in my heart and say a silent pray for those we lost, those still sick, and the people on the front lines who stood between us and this virus.

Exhale..

Exhaustion, fatigue, and dismay took over my life the last few months of the Fall. I found that I couldn’t find the energy to express how dark and isolated it felt watching our world spiral out of control. With no other recourse to stem the madness and despair, in the end, I just held my …

RETREAT..

It feels like the world is spinning out of control. America is divided and at a cross roads and the pandemic rages on. Trying to find solace, a place to retreat from the angst and the storms, feels impossible. The vibration of discontent lurks in the shadows and at times it seems we are being …