Pondering…

Let me begin by wishing all of the Mother’s out there, a Happy Mother’s Day. I know being a mother is challenging and rewarding and exhausting and fulfilling, and overwhelming and exhilarating, and that’s all in one minute. So yeah to us! Even if you’re not a mother, congratulations if you’re  a caregiver to someone you love.

I can’t deny I love my sons beyond measure. Being their Mom is the greatest joy and the greatest test I have ever endured. I pray that when they’re in therapy talking about me, and they probably will be, they remember that I tried with all my might to be the best person/mother that I could be. I know I don’t achieve it all the time, (cue the eye roll from my sons), but I’m aware most of the time when I miss the mark. Each night I pray that I can do better and be better tomorrow. Some days I’m fabulous! Some days I bite!

I know that I have dropped out of sight lately. I needed to take some time to mull over the ever-changing landscape that is my life. I’m going to admit something that my family and friends already know, I ponder, deeply. I gather information about whatever I may be going through, the bigger the problem the longer the gathering process goes, and then I go to ground. 

I take all of the advice, solicited and unsolicited and I mull over every inch of every discussion or thought. I write but my thoughts are so jumbled that they’re not fit to share. My ability to see photographs in daily life, dries up. I turn inward and I shut down emotionally. On the outside I am functioning but on the inside it has all turned blue, dark blue. Sounds are muted, light diffused and hazy and I roll through my to do list like a mantra but my brain is quiet, like walking outside after a snowfall, cushioned.

After awhile my synapses start firing again and I reemerge things slightly out of focus, but resolved and undeterred. Recognizing that I need to put the past in perspective, let go of the incessant chatter of regret and embrace the possibilities of now. I’m through hashing and rehashing the old and am ready to turn my attention to what’s new. It’s not all roses and sunshine but the light has shifted, altered in a way that affords me the vision to see the nuances and mystique of my life. This one life that I have.

Change is hard. Ha, who doesn’t know that?! Necessary for sure. Unavoidable without a doubt. Dealing with it is the key. Inquisitiveness, self-awareness, truthfulness, and resilience are an all equal measure, the only way to rise again. Each of us handle life’s challenges in our own ways, unique to the people we are. Hopefully I’ve come through and have learned something along with the pain and sadness.

I think spring is a good time for new beginnings. I’m surrounded by renewal, rejuvenation, resilience and endurance. For me, a reminder that life moves on even when I find it necessary, no imperative, to slow it all down and pause. The earth keeps revolving and luckily my friends and family love me through the brilliant blues of a summer sky and through the abrupt ever-changing storm that arrives on the horizon and rushes through my life-like a hurricane. Destroying and restoring a new balance and order. A new flow and for a change, I’m ready. 

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Dreamers and Doers…..

This year so many of my dreams have come true, I am overwhelmed. When I first took the plunge and started this blog and writing  “out loud,” I had no idea what would happen next. I thought the most important thing to do was to get to work and began to create the life that I wanted to live. In fact, one of the most important things I learned was to keep all of my options open and go through the unexpected doors that seem to appear, even if that wasn’t my original plan.

I learned to listen better, first to myself, then to the Universe which was giving me very clear directions, only I was far to busy with all the naysayer’s voices buzzing in my head.  I have to admit, for a while, those voices were so loud, they were winning. It became imperative, to block those fearful voices out and navigate a positive and hopeful path designed just for me.  This is not for the faint of heart, make no mistake, this is much more difficult than it sounds.

So I discovered what I wanted to do when I finally grew up, and I followed the advice of artists before me, “find a support system that believes in you and your dream.” I didn’t realize how crucial this next step would be, indeed it is the make or break moment for budding artists. Surrounding myself with people who believe in me and my dream is crucial, especially when I am discouraged. My support team knows what is in my heart and what I am trying to accomplish, believe me, they dream MUCH BIGGER than I do. That is the greatest gift they bring to me, faith and encouragement that my dream could be even larger and more grand than I could ever envision.

So, I wanted to say thank you to my support team who push me to exceed my own expectations, daily. To my family who are a constant source of inspiration and the place where I get to play and talk about my dreams, thank you. To my friends who never say, “You’re doing What?” To my dear friend Beth, of www.simplysoapsmv.com, thank you for kicking my butt and making me reach higher. You never let me settle but keep pushing me to expand my vision and to “get my butt in gear.” She truly is the best cheerleader and butt-kicker all rolled into one. To everyone here at WordPress, thank you for encouraging me with your support, kind words, photos, dreams and funny replies. Your art inspires me to be better artist and try harder every day. And finally, to the strangers I meet along the way, who say the kindest and most unexpected things that spur me on to create better art. My gratitude knows no bounds.

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers, and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.”   Unknown

Dreams close and far...
Dreams close and far…